A Christmas story

the light was low and mingled with smoke and grime. they sat at the corner table, amidst room- ful of men trying to spread a christmas cheer which seemed long faded like the greasy oilcloth table cover. "one Royal stag large with water" she ordered. the waiter gave her a long look. it wasnt everyday that women walked in through the haze into his bar.

"same please" he said, breaking the waiter's reverie. the waiter grimaced at his day dream being broken. working since the late afternoon, all he had been accustomed to were grimy men with stubby fingers making love to the dog ear-ed menu card as they ordered drink after drink to douse the vision of the plastic dog-tag that hung snugly and almost harmless looking from their necks. he asked "thats all?" arching his eyelids, challenging him, almost tingling all over for him to take the day's frustration out on him. he flickered, for maybe a second. then slumped. she looked over at him and then at the waiter and then flicked her wrist and said "thats all. please be quick".

she couldnt help smiling. "it's not that bad you know. kind of fitting. us both rejected off by everyone, coming to drink at a place which we earlier used to scoff and reject". he looked at her incredulously. was she enjoying this? did she like being alone and sad on christmas? looking at his puzzled expression she asked softly "so what's your christmas reject story?". he felt his face burning. her call saying she cant make it, A cancelling on him the very last moment, his boss shouting at him and threatening him, his empty flat...all flashed by. "you can't say your feelings until you have the guts to face them" she had said, just before she hung up for one last time. he felt a sudden desire to slap her sitting in front of him. all women now looked like her in the dim light. maybe slapping her now would make her sitting three thousand miles away smart a little bit, his palm imprinted on her ivory skin, cold and distant. "no, i dont have a story" he said instead, "what are you doing in a bar like this on a night like this? i am sure your boyfriend or husband wont approve" he countered. he wanted her to burst into shades of red as she made him when she wouldnt stop staring at him with her inane questions.

instead she turned grey, just like the stain that licked at her elbow on the table. "he doesnt know. rather he doesnt care." she said picking at a scab on her arm ferociously. he couldnt help but guffaw. "lover's tiff and you are here to punish him?" he asked. she had looked strong, now he saw only a stubborn woman who craved attention. she looked up for a moment from her wound and strangely whimpered, "no...me" she started laughing. the calls, the fights, "i will have time for you tomorrow baby", the empty promises, the begging, the screaming and the stillness flashed on her eyes. he shivered just a bit. quickly she lowered them and intently began to work on her scab again. it was almost ready to bleed, but just about.

the golden liquid tried to shine through the dirty glass. the clock droned on. they sat there together. huddled, alone, both drowning somewhere in their memories, together. somewhere the t.v on the counter chimed "we wish you a merry Christmas" jingling merrily like a death toll. the room reeked of loneliness as it swirled in dirty pints of forgetfulness.

to a man i call dad

writing for you is never easy.

as i'm always afraid you would see through it.

(i feel all queasy

for you seem to have read every literary snippet)

you taught me how to find the world

sitting in a room full of books

to know the good ones from the crooks.

the late nights when i thought

that you just didnt care too much about us

you would have us caught

unaware(happily so) by creating one big fuss.

you taught us how to think

for ourselves and not be swayed by truthful lies

even when we're on life's brink

you always showed us how to hold on to our ties.

saving us from mom's anger

or let it be laughing at small little sisterly fights

you've been our emotional hanger

that let us leave sorrows and take fanciful flights.

it's never easy to convey

how much you mean to both of us

so we just simply say

(for lack of better words even being an english masters)

we love you very much.

thank you for being such a wonderful father.

Rain in the city

"Go to hell". The dead dial tone. The phone still warm in my hands, but my heart felt numbingly cold. Not the first time I have heard these words. "A loving relationship is based on emotional bond between the both", Mom used to say. I laugh. Its sound is similar to a throttling. I never noticed that laughs sounded so hollow, so made up, devoid of feelings--helpful though, fills up the void within and without. "I just want a little more time from you. We hardly talk. We are in different cities and the only way I can connect to you is through the phone". It feels chilly all of a sudden. A lightning crackled lighting up my limp features."I hate talking on the phone. I want to live my life in the present. Thats how I am. I am tired. I dont want to talk"."But...". The "hell" part seems to still ring around. Somewhere a drop of salty rain fell on the hard deadened ground. The rains have arrived in the city.

Rain in the city

"Go to hell". The dead dial tone. The phone still warm in my hands, but my heart felt numbingly cold. Not the first time I have heard these words. "A loving relationship is based on emotional bond between the both", Mom used to say. I laugh. Its sound is similar to a throttling. I never noticed that laughs sounded so hollow, so made up, devoid of feelings--helpful though, fills up the void within and without. "I just want a little more time from you. We hardly talk. We are in different cities and the only way I can connect to you is through the phone". It feels chilly all of a sudden. A lightning crackled lighting up my limp features."I hate talking on the phone. I want to live my life in the present. Thats how I am. I am tired. I dont want to talk"."But...". The "hell" part seems to still ring around. Somewhere a drop of salty rain fell on the hard deadened ground. The rains have arrived in the city.

Being special

i stood still as the words still reverberated through me."i know a lot of girls. they are not hormonal like you". a smile creeps in like the reddish cloud sneaking up on the expressionless night sky. the sides of the lips twitch and start moving away from each other . only just. one side went off too far. the ironic smile in the portrait is ready. "i was just trying to demand something from the relationship. trying to bring me into it. trying to find me in it. why cant i have outbursts". calm on the surface. the grin is growing hopeless now. kind of pointless now as some stray tear touches it and glides down. hot and salty. nothing sexual really. just plain saltwater. the phone is still warm in my hands. the saltwater finds its way down to the phone. i disappear. the drop still glistens on the shiny metal phone surface."special also means nothing".

a conversation

what's his religion?

asked mom. she was

always scared i'd

fall for a muslim.

what's his community?

asked someone else

and there i thought

what a pity!

oh god! what he is not bong?

its a heresy

we have reared you for so long

and always let you be free

for what?? to do this

trying to gnaw at your leash?

he is a good boy ma,

doesn't that matter?

he loves me and me him

y does that make you sadder?

no no it cant be done

good boys are everywhere

search within the community

you will find someone good and fair.

is this a bargain ma?

am i only a commodity?

cant i be trusted

to choose for myself?

you can.

but within the limits we define

never daring to cross the line

with the "good girl" sign

hanging from your neck.

in here we don't love and marry.

we compromise and be merry.

IF ONLY

"i had a one night stand...i didnt know how 2 tell you...i am so sorry baby...i was drunk and was missing you...i can't believe that i hurt you so much..but look at it..i am telling you the truth when i could have hid it from you and gone on living with you happily...please forgive me baby...i can't live without you. u r my everything. u r my rock of gibralter. dont leave me. i will do anything to make it work... please baby....."

sneha could still hear the words ringing in her ears. its been a month since that horrible night when rohan broke the news to her. tonight sleeping on the empty bed she felt that horrible feeling rise inside her again. she had a powerful urge to puke...she rushed to the bathroom but nothing came out...she retched and retched..rubbing her hands and body harshly as if trying to get the dirt of that awful feeling out of her body...but nothing happened...she collapsed in a heap in the bathroom..she just shook and shook...the minutes passed by...her life of 4 years passed by...

* * *

sneha had known rohan practically all her life. they had been school buddies and when that friendship turned to love no one knew. they found solace in each other, found peace together. sneha's parents weren't supportive of this, but they worked together to make all things right. she still remembered her wedding day. in her wedding sari she slowly came down to the mandap... a willful submission of her whole self to him...she could feel his eyes watching her, admiring her ...she could feel his quiet sense of pride that finally he had won her after all the hurdles. she blossomed in his attention. as they took the vows together, they looked at one another and they knew that this was what was meant to be, that they were made to be there for the other, that in sickness and health they would hold each other's hands, promising to love each other through every high and low, being faithful to each other till death do them apart.they both looked beautiful that day..glowing in the light of their new relationship.

later at night when they were alone in the room, rohan picked her up and made her sit on his lap.. she shied away from looking at his face...she suddenly felt very shy and coy...she still couldn't believe that this was it...her love , her man, there with her, promised to spend the life together.

rohan slowly ran his hands on her face, so eager and so shy at the same time.. she was like a fragile angel looking up to him for protection and love. he felt this amazing rush of emotions all of a sudden and hugged her. she felt so small in his embrace. he whispered in her ear "baby i love you so much. you are my life, my rock of gibralter. never leave me. i really cannot live without you. and i promise i am never going to hurt you and break your heart. ..." he kissed her passionately .

as he laid her down on the bed and started kissing her , she softly mumbled to him "darling don't ever leave me. i really won't be able to live without you."...between his kisses he answered..."i am never gonna leave you alone. i belong to you and you belong to me"...

* * *

rohan has asked for time away from her. he felt that he cheated on her for certain reasons that he himself didn't understand. he wanted time to think. "i want peace" thats all he said. he wanted space in order to realise how much he really missed sneha and how big a part of his life sneha still was.

" i love you darling. i am sure of that. but i need to feel the urge of emotions for you again. my life is fucked up anyway. i need to get it back on track. and for that i need time away from you. i have hurt you a lot i know. but i need to understand how much, and that can be only done when i am away from you".

she felt confused, betrayed .."what about me?? don't you think you should give me more time now , i need you now more than anything. i need to feel that i can trust you again. my trust has been broken, don't you think what i need is more important than you trying to get the urge again??"

"but you don't get it.. i need to do this. it is either this or we are heading for a divorce!"

sneha was stunned.. for a few moments she felt faint. she couldnt believe that the man standing in front of her was the man who told her everyday that " darling i will always be with you. i will be your shade and home"

"what if i am not there when you finally realise that you want me?"

he remained silent.

"do you love me anymore?..."..her voice grew faint.

he whispered something...something which seemed to be like "i need to find that out"..

* * *

tonight marked the end of one month that he left. one month when she had stared at the empty walls which again and again reminded her of the empty bed on which she lay, she longed for his touch his warmth. she longed to hear his voice again...but the telephone remained silent. she didn't know anymore what she felt. one moment she hated him for cheating on her and leaving her alone to pick up the pieces, while the next she felt this terrible sense of homesickness...her home was gone away from her now. one moment she felt brave that they would both work this thing out and get back to the happy haven of theirs, the next she sickly imagined him with the faceless destroyer of her life.

sneha sat huddled in the bathroom. the shivering has stopped. she slowly tried to get up but her legs felt too weak to carry her. holding on to the sink she finally stood up. she glanced at the mirror in front of her....what glanced back at her was a pale creature with dark big eyes, limp hair and a pathetic face. was she alive?? or did she die the moment rohan uttered " i had a one-night stand"

sneha didnt know how long she stood looking at herself. she felt disgusted with her body, her looks. she can't be good-looking as people always said, otherwise why would rohan leave her like this? why would he cheat? maybe the fault lay somewhere in her.. at that moment she hated herself. she wanted some assurance.. she wanted peace..

sneha dragged herself back to the bedroom. there was an eeriness in that room...as if someone had died...her love had died. the white sheets reminded her of the starkness of her own death...now only the body remained. sneha felt herself going towards the medicine cabinet.she had recently bought 5 strips of sleeping tablets. its been a month that she hasnt slept. she wanted sleep. she needed peace.

11pm.. rohan must be up now. she needed to speak to him. she wanted to speak to him. she wanted to tell him she can't live anymore without him.... she can't bear the lonely emptiness anymore... she wanted to say " COME BACK...PLEASE COME BACK..."

she dialed the once familiar number. beep beep..the dial tone went on. then the phone started ringing..and it kept ringing...and ringing...then the ringing stopped. sneha dialed again..the ringing and the clanging began...then it was abrubtly cut off..."THE NUMBER YOU ARE TRYING TO REACH IS BUSY. PLEASE TRY AGAIN LATER"

the dream was burst. the hope was crashed. nothing remained . she knew he was awake...but he cut the phone off.. he didn't want to talk to her ... slowly she sat on the bed. she meticulously took out all the slleping pills from its aluminium wrappings. she could feel her face wet with tears.. as she popped one pill after the other she could feel them mingle with her tears as they washed down her throat.

finally she laid down. covered herself from head to toe..so that even she couldn't see her own detestable self.. the writing pad was flung beside her. on the white page glowed the faint black ink "I NEEDED YOU...I WAITED..BUT YOU NEVER CAME BACK".

* * *

rohan ran up the stairs. he just wanted to go now and take his dear wife in his arms and kiss her and apologise to her for every moment of pain that he has given her in the last one month. tonight he had been missing her a lot. he had thought that he would come over to her first thing tomorrow. but then she had called and made up his mind. it had to be today. he cut the phone and the next moment took his bike and took off. he just wanted to surprise her and tell her that " babe, you are my world , my life. i love you more than anyone can ever love another person. please forgive me and take me back. i was stupid to have thought that i needed time from you. how can i ask for time from my own self....i love you baby...love you so much..."

he stopped by at the flower store to buy her favourite pink roses. from tonight onwards he was going to be the guy he had promised her to be. be the man whom he was supposed to be.

he opened the main lock of the flat. the lights were off. only the bedroom had a faint light coming from it. he tiptoed to the bedroom and opened the door. he stood at the door with the flowers and looked at her lying peacefully on the bed, with a faint hint of a smile on her pale face. a paper fluttered beside her.he smiled to himself.

"i am back my baby...i have come back to you"...

* * *