IF ONLY

"i had a one night stand...i didnt know how 2 tell you...i am so sorry baby...i was drunk and was missing you...i can't believe that i hurt you so much..but look at it..i am telling you the truth when i could have hid it from you and gone on living with you happily...please forgive me baby...i can't live without you. u r my everything. u r my rock of gibralter. dont leave me. i will do anything to make it work... please baby....."

sneha could still hear the words ringing in her ears. its been a month since that horrible night when rohan broke the news to her. tonight sleeping on the empty bed she felt that horrible feeling rise inside her again. she had a powerful urge to puke...she rushed to the bathroom but nothing came out...she retched and retched..rubbing her hands and body harshly as if trying to get the dirt of that awful feeling out of her body...but nothing happened...she collapsed in a heap in the bathroom..she just shook and shook...the minutes passed by...her life of 4 years passed by...

* * *

sneha had known rohan practically all her life. they had been school buddies and when that friendship turned to love no one knew. they found solace in each other, found peace together. sneha's parents weren't supportive of this, but they worked together to make all things right. she still remembered her wedding day. in her wedding sari she slowly came down to the mandap... a willful submission of her whole self to him...she could feel his eyes watching her, admiring her ...she could feel his quiet sense of pride that finally he had won her after all the hurdles. she blossomed in his attention. as they took the vows together, they looked at one another and they knew that this was what was meant to be, that they were made to be there for the other, that in sickness and health they would hold each other's hands, promising to love each other through every high and low, being faithful to each other till death do them apart.they both looked beautiful that day..glowing in the light of their new relationship.

later at night when they were alone in the room, rohan picked her up and made her sit on his lap.. she shied away from looking at his face...she suddenly felt very shy and coy...she still couldn't believe that this was it...her love , her man, there with her, promised to spend the life together.

rohan slowly ran his hands on her face, so eager and so shy at the same time.. she was like a fragile angel looking up to him for protection and love. he felt this amazing rush of emotions all of a sudden and hugged her. she felt so small in his embrace. he whispered in her ear "baby i love you so much. you are my life, my rock of gibralter. never leave me. i really cannot live without you. and i promise i am never going to hurt you and break your heart. ..." he kissed her passionately .

as he laid her down on the bed and started kissing her , she softly mumbled to him "darling don't ever leave me. i really won't be able to live without you."...between his kisses he answered..."i am never gonna leave you alone. i belong to you and you belong to me"...

* * *

rohan has asked for time away from her. he felt that he cheated on her for certain reasons that he himself didn't understand. he wanted time to think. "i want peace" thats all he said. he wanted space in order to realise how much he really missed sneha and how big a part of his life sneha still was.

" i love you darling. i am sure of that. but i need to feel the urge of emotions for you again. my life is fucked up anyway. i need to get it back on track. and for that i need time away from you. i have hurt you a lot i know. but i need to understand how much, and that can be only done when i am away from you".

she felt confused, betrayed .."what about me?? don't you think you should give me more time now , i need you now more than anything. i need to feel that i can trust you again. my trust has been broken, don't you think what i need is more important than you trying to get the urge again??"

"but you don't get it.. i need to do this. it is either this or we are heading for a divorce!"

sneha was stunned.. for a few moments she felt faint. she couldnt believe that the man standing in front of her was the man who told her everyday that " darling i will always be with you. i will be your shade and home"

"what if i am not there when you finally realise that you want me?"

he remained silent.

"do you love me anymore?..."..her voice grew faint.

he whispered something...something which seemed to be like "i need to find that out"..

* * *

tonight marked the end of one month that he left. one month when she had stared at the empty walls which again and again reminded her of the empty bed on which she lay, she longed for his touch his warmth. she longed to hear his voice again...but the telephone remained silent. she didn't know anymore what she felt. one moment she hated him for cheating on her and leaving her alone to pick up the pieces, while the next she felt this terrible sense of homesickness...her home was gone away from her now. one moment she felt brave that they would both work this thing out and get back to the happy haven of theirs, the next she sickly imagined him with the faceless destroyer of her life.

sneha sat huddled in the bathroom. the shivering has stopped. she slowly tried to get up but her legs felt too weak to carry her. holding on to the sink she finally stood up. she glanced at the mirror in front of her....what glanced back at her was a pale creature with dark big eyes, limp hair and a pathetic face. was she alive?? or did she die the moment rohan uttered " i had a one-night stand"

sneha didnt know how long she stood looking at herself. she felt disgusted with her body, her looks. she can't be good-looking as people always said, otherwise why would rohan leave her like this? why would he cheat? maybe the fault lay somewhere in her.. at that moment she hated herself. she wanted some assurance.. she wanted peace..

sneha dragged herself back to the bedroom. there was an eeriness in that room...as if someone had died...her love had died. the white sheets reminded her of the starkness of her own death...now only the body remained. sneha felt herself going towards the medicine cabinet.she had recently bought 5 strips of sleeping tablets. its been a month that she hasnt slept. she wanted sleep. she needed peace.

11pm.. rohan must be up now. she needed to speak to him. she wanted to speak to him. she wanted to tell him she can't live anymore without him.... she can't bear the lonely emptiness anymore... she wanted to say " COME BACK...PLEASE COME BACK..."

she dialed the once familiar number. beep beep..the dial tone went on. then the phone started ringing..and it kept ringing...and ringing...then the ringing stopped. sneha dialed again..the ringing and the clanging began...then it was abrubtly cut off..."THE NUMBER YOU ARE TRYING TO REACH IS BUSY. PLEASE TRY AGAIN LATER"

the dream was burst. the hope was crashed. nothing remained . she knew he was awake...but he cut the phone off.. he didn't want to talk to her ... slowly she sat on the bed. she meticulously took out all the slleping pills from its aluminium wrappings. she could feel her face wet with tears.. as she popped one pill after the other she could feel them mingle with her tears as they washed down her throat.

finally she laid down. covered herself from head to toe..so that even she couldn't see her own detestable self.. the writing pad was flung beside her. on the white page glowed the faint black ink "I NEEDED YOU...I WAITED..BUT YOU NEVER CAME BACK".

* * *

rohan ran up the stairs. he just wanted to go now and take his dear wife in his arms and kiss her and apologise to her for every moment of pain that he has given her in the last one month. tonight he had been missing her a lot. he had thought that he would come over to her first thing tomorrow. but then she had called and made up his mind. it had to be today. he cut the phone and the next moment took his bike and took off. he just wanted to surprise her and tell her that " babe, you are my world , my life. i love you more than anyone can ever love another person. please forgive me and take me back. i was stupid to have thought that i needed time from you. how can i ask for time from my own self....i love you baby...love you so much..."

he stopped by at the flower store to buy her favourite pink roses. from tonight onwards he was going to be the guy he had promised her to be. be the man whom he was supposed to be.

he opened the main lock of the flat. the lights were off. only the bedroom had a faint light coming from it. he tiptoed to the bedroom and opened the door. he stood at the door with the flowers and looked at her lying peacefully on the bed, with a faint hint of a smile on her pale face. a paper fluttered beside her.he smiled to himself.

"i am back my baby...i have come back to you"...

* * *

The Anniversary

Piya stared at her clothes. She has been doing that for god knows how long. As she fingered through the materials of each of her dresses trying to decide what would best suit the specialty of the occasion, she could not suppress a smile that kept spreading through her lips however much she tried to hide it. It was her and Raghav's third year anniversary. she felt like a teenager again, heady with love for her husband. Suddenly her eyes fell on the ring on her finger and it opened floodgates..
* * * *

Raghav and Piya had always been friends. They had the same group of friends in college who always thought that Raghav and Pya were meant to be together. So, it didnt come as a surprise to when they started dating. One year later, it was 16th of January. Raghav took her for a long drive after the night show movie. While sitting in the car and kissing eachother deliriously he popped the question--
"Will you marry me?"
Piya didnt know what to say..
"Don't you think it's a little too early baby?shouldn't we at least give it some more time?"
Raghav smiled."I know you are scared darling. You might think that I wont love you as much as I have. But you are wrong. Piya you are my word, my life and at every point I will always keep you as my first priority come what may. I love you and am never going to hurt you."
As the cold ring slid on her finger glittering there, Piya felt a sudden desire to cry.
"I am so happy. I cant believe i am so happy."
* * * *
The clock chimed 5pm. bringing Piya hastily back from her reverie. She felt a tear roll down her cheek.
"Stupid me" she thought as she got a pink sari out of her closet. Raghav loved this sari. She had worn this when she had first gone to meet Raghav's parents. It held special memories for her. It was in this that they had first made love. It had been beautiful and painful. She remembered every moment of it as she moaned and savoured it. It felt like homecoming to her. Finally she had found fulfillment. The sari had a lot of memories...
* * * *
Raghav had forgotten it last night that it was their anniversary the next day. Piya did not blame him. He was engrossed in a lot of work. She smiled and gave him his gift. It was a t-shirt he had liked.

"You aren't angry na baby?" Raghav asked with his face all puckered up like a child.

"No darling. I'm not. but you better not forget it tomorrow." She had laughed and said.
Raghav also laughed and took her in his arms--
"No baby, I wont forget it again. And I'm going to make it so wonderful for you, my darling wife."

She had suddenly felt a will to cry.
"I'm so happy. I can't believe I'm so happy" she thought.
Suddenly she felt very vulnerable. As she cuddled up to him she whispered into his ear:
"Raghav let's make the day really special tomorrow. Let's forget our work, our friends, everything..and just be with eachother...like a date or something where we get all dressed up and stay up all night."

"Whatever you want baby. I'm all yours"Raghav muttered as he kissed her. The watch chimed. It was 12am.
* * * *
Piya did not go to work today. She took the day off and just surrounded herself with memories. The more she remembered, the more she felt alive. She realised that buried beneath the pressure of their work, she and Raghav had both let go of the beauty of their relationship. They loved eachother but always forgot to show it to eachother through their actions. The nightly "I love you" followed by a kiss was more like a ritual now than a sacred moment.
"I guess life does this to people"she thought. She decided that from now on she will make more of an effort to show Raghav how much she loved him and appreciated him. And that has to begin from today. This anniversary will be a new beginning for her.
"It's going to be so special".
* * * *
It was 7pm now. Piya had dressed up in all her finery. She looked like a queen in her attire.
"Queen" she laughed as she thought about it. Raghav used to always call her his Queen because she didnt not like being called a Princess which he used to call his ex-girlfriend by.
She looked at the mirror and smiled secretively. She had indulged in really expensive sexy lingerie for him. She knew how much he loved it when she looked all sexy. The sari brought out her curves. She felt....very feminine...very alive. Running after her work she often forgot to dress up just for the heck of it.
"This feels good" she mentally remarked. She could not wait for Raghav to come back.
"He wont know what hit him. He wont be able to keep his eyes off me. Oh God! I love him so much. I can't believe I don't do this for him everyday" she mused..
* * * *
It was 8pm now. Piya called him up.
"Where are you? How long will you take?"
"Hey baby, actually there is this office friend's birthday party today. He absolutely insisted. I'm sorry baby. I will be a bit late."
"But Raghav you promised...you promised that we will keep this day for ourselves"her voice cracked.
"I know darling. But I seriously couldn't get out of it. I'm so sorry baby. But the plan remains. I'm going to get out of this as soon as I can mayb in another one hour and then we spend the enitre night out together-just me and my pretty wife.What say?? please baby..."
"Ok. But please don't be too late. I'm waiting here."
"I know. I wont be. Love you darling."
"Love you too."
* * * *
It was 11.50pm. Piya sat flipping through the channels., her fingers pressing the buttons of the remote mindlessly. her kaajal has got smudged. The lipstick was barely visible on her lips. She looked at the clock. 10 more minutes and it would be all over. Suddenly she heard the car stopping outside. Piya's face lit up. Her earlier langour now gave way to nervous excitement.She adjusted her sari and touched her make-up. She looked like a Queen again...his Queen.
* * * *
With a spring in her steps she went and opened the door. Raghav stood there smiling. He looked very tired and a bit drunk.
"Hey baby." he came near and kissed her.
"Hey my tiger."
He went straight to the bathroom and came out after changing into his night shirt.
"Uh...aren't we going out for a drive?" Piya's voice faltered as she twisted the end of her sari with anticipation.
Raghav looked sheepish." No baby. I'm really tired to go out now. Lets just celebrate here...in the bedroom...you and me with the lights out..." He gave her his devilish smile.
Piya couldn't help laughing. This was so like Raghav. he Got her all angry and then made things all right with these comments.She gave him a sexy smile.
"You never said how i looked?"
"you look beautiful."
She smiled."You make yourself comfortable on the bed Mr. Raghav. I have a special treat for you."
"Achcha??... I can't wait... Don't keep me waiting baby.."
She laughed and went to the bathroom as she saw him climb up on the bed. She hurriedly took off her sari and then her blouse and petticoat. She now stood only in her black lingerie.
She felt so naked , yet so happy. She knew he would love it. They would make love all night long and wake up in the morning all spent up in each other's arms --tired but divinely happy.

She hastily dabbed some perfume on herself and then with a nervous feeling walked out of the bathroom into the dim light of the bed room. She saw him lying on the bed waiting for her.

"I'm going to so tempt you tonight. .. I will be your sex goddess" she purred in a sexy tone as she walked towards him. She got on the bed and slowly came near him, almost trembling with anticipation...when he will touch her..when he will claim her.

He was asleep.

"Raghav! Raghav!"
He groaned."Ya baby. I'm awake. Tell me."
"you are not awake. I can see you are sleeping."
"I'm sorry baby. " His eyes cracked open. "I'm just really tired out. But i promise I'm going to make it up to you. It's just one day darling."
"But this one day is our anniversary" she almost shouted.
"I know that baby. I love you and I promise I'm going to make it up to you."
"What if I'm not there for you to make up to?"she threatened.
"Don't leave me baby. I always try to make you happy. Please understand. Its just one night." he looked at her drowsily. "Love you darling". He came up and kissed her.
"Love you too" she said in a dead voice.
He smiled: " Good night baby. I love you so much. We will talk about this tomorrow."

He rolled off to sleep. Piya felt very stupid. She felt broken and stupid. She felt an amazing urge to cry. sitting in her lingerie, she let the tears fall.
"I am so happy. I can't believe I'm so happy" she muttered to herself. Somewhere the clock chimed for a new day.

a date to remember

one bad date can ruin ur entire  dating reputation...well i learnt this from my friend nick. from a dating must he turned into a dating no no.. nick has always been popular with girls.. with his cherubic face and charming ways he was always a girl magnet. being friends with him we saw a string of girls sigh for him everytime he passed them. well in spite of being so popular he never really went for dates as according to him he was too shy and was waiting for the right one. well the right one did come ...and disaster followed suit.

anne was a senior to him. when she started being all friendly with him we realised that nickboy has hit a jackjpot. dating a senior is always great ego booster and reputation builder. eliot said that april is the cruelest month..but for nick the undoing came in the innocent month of september. finally he asked anne out. it was a grand affair. he got all ready and everything and took her to a fancy hang out place.. and then disaster struck.

nick always had a soft spot for chicken..he can hog on for hours. well the date was no different. he ordered every kind of chicken dish available. the problem was that anne was also an avid chicken eater. so the moment the chicken came there was almost a marathon like race about who could eat more chicken. but our friend nick with years of practice finished his plate first. anne was savouring hers bit by bit...nick started drooling looking at that and then he did the unthinkable. in a swift second  of weakness he stretched out his hand...anne thought he was going 2 clear out some spot on her face...but slowly the hand moved away from her face and towards her plate and ..he grabbed the piece of chicken and in one swift motion stuffed his mouth with it. anne was too shocked to react.  she just sat there petrified not being able to believe that behind that angelic face lay a psycho glutton who snatched food from ur plate. taking advantage of her stupor, he said looking at her plate " are you going to eat that?" and before she could answer he took the plate from her side and started eating out of it...

i guess the date ended then only unofficially. but still the bill paying was left. the waiter came with the check. anne said that she would love to share the bill but nick was insistent that he pays the bill as he had eaten most of the stuff from both their plates. well she let him. i guess she was already tired of him and wanted 2 get this over with as fast as possible. then came the second shock...

nick opened his wallet and there was no money. he suddenly remembered that he had left it at the bed side table. he started signaling to anne..at first she couldnt understand what was the meaning of the profuse winking and weird hand gestures...finally nick drew his chair close to her and whispered..."i kinda left my cash at home...so can u pay the bill??"...anne couldnt believe it.. not only had she the worst date of the century where she was still hungry, but also now she had 2 pay for it..she gave him the meanest look she could come up with and took out the money and gave it. and walked out.

nick ran after her and said " dont i kiss u good night?"....

a resounding slap ...and nick had never had a date in college again...